How many of you have seen, are related to, or friends with a dude who has nothing going for him, except his good looks and/or hood popularity, but that person seems to have a different woman for every day of the week? I know quite a few and naturally have marveled at their inexplicable power over the opposite sex. But after a while of thinking it became clear that it’s not such an amazing thing after all.

It’s simple. While the other dudes are preoccupied with achieving a well-rounded picture of success – that is one characterized by a decent/well paying job, nice home, strong spiritual foundation and a healthy romantic relationships- this hood Casanova is spending the entirety of his existence focusing on romantic relationships. Think about it; if you woke up everyday focusing on hooking up with women or men, I’m sure you’d be a pro too. On the surface this seems like everyman’s dream, but in reality it’s corrosive spiritually and socially.

When balanced out with a strong spiritual/moral foundation and a sense of social responsibility, a man’s natural preoccupation with the opposite sex can be a good thing. It’s natural. But when it’s the only thing distinguishes you as a man, it can become truly debilitating. I guess the best way to explain it is to describe the cycle:

A dude (let’s call him Casanova) finds himself falling behind in life’s rat race. He can’t find a job, or keeps getting fired from jobs or keeps quitting jobs because they don’t pay him the six figures he thinks he’s worth with his 4 plus years of high school education. He was raised in the church, his Grand Ma being a member if the Missionary Baptist Church Women’s Auxiliary and all, but stopped going as soon as he became 18 – I would’ve said as soon as he left her house, but he’s still living there.

One of the reasons that he couldn’t make it to church, even if he wanted to, is because he’s spends his Saturday nights at the club, followed by a night cap at The Waffle House or IHOP with his boys and a group of college girls from the local university. They start small talking and Casanova zeros in on one of the girls he likes, let’s call her Med School (if you were a fan of The Game, then you get the reference). They talk playfully for a while, but then Med School starts firing off the qualifying questions.

“So where did you go to school?” Casanova manages to escape the question with some charismatic line. “So what do you do?” At this point Casanova is beginning to feel self conscious, but manages to convince her that he’s not working while he plots his next move. “So what do you want to do?”. Casanova fires off the standard “Own my own business” answer and she quickly counters with “what kind of business”. Casanova is caught off guard. He doesn’t have a credible reply. He’s feeling small, like he’s being dominated by Med School. In a last ditch effort to reassert his legitimacy he puts his charm in to overdrive, but now it’s not just about liking Med School. Now, it’s about conquering her; about putting her in her educated, intelligent, “good head on her shoulders” having behind in her place.

It works. Casanova God given charisma wins Med School over, and eventually gets her an invitation to her apartment. Casanova continues the “charm offensive” and finally goes in for the kill with the ALL TOO FAMILIAR “ You want a massage… My massages are the bomb”. And after that,… Well, you know. She ‘thinks he invented sex’. She’s sprung. She’s convinced she can make him a better man and pick him up by ‘serving’, but is so lost in emotion (yes, Lisa Lisa) that she doesn’t realize that she’s spoiling him and creating a monster. He, on the other hand, is feeling like he’s in control of that relationship. HE’S THE MAN! – Still no job, still no ambitions, sill no spiritual foundation, still on Grand Ma’s couch, but “the man” nonetheless.

You see, lacking a well-rounded view of success, Casanova latched on to the one, easily attainable aspect (healthy romantic relationship with the opposite sex) and perverted it. Its aim is no longer marriage, but rather a series of conquest used to puff his ego and compensate for all the other aspects of manhood he lacks. His relationships exist to reinforce his self-esteem and sex, for him, is both carnal pleasure and a weapon to punish women whose success forces him to see everything he’s not and wants to be, but is too lazy to work to become. Med School –poor girl- only reinforces this.