ABC recently aired a special Why are 42% of Successful Black Women Single? Good question and one that seems to be on a lot of minds. Clearly mathematics plays a role. The numbers simply do not lie. If you are committed to having a brother on your arm be forewarned its slim pickings. I’m here to address something other than the statistics however.  There is a pervading connotation that SHE WANTS TOO MUCH. Does she really? Or is a King a rare find? Is “God’s Knight in shining armor” a standard higher than the one he’s set for himself? Admittedly some women would have a hard time finding any man black, white or green to meet their criteria. I however know several single women whose highest standard isn’t the money standard or even the perfection standard but a “Jesus standard”  (occasionally they get the two confused but….) They aren’t asking for him to drive a Bentley only that he have a plan and be capable of commitment.  Dudes however throw out line like “I ain’t Diddy so she don’t want me” maybe to distract from the real issue: you don’t know who you are.  That’s why she doesn’t want you.  She doesn’t know who you really are. But that’s another article.

THE LISTS

We’ve all met them—women with the lists from hell. Is that you? Here’s an example of what I call a brief but unrealistic list:

Dear God,

Send me a man who:

1. Looks like Boris Kodjoe

2. Dresses like Diddy

3. Is liquid $100k, spoils me with the finer things and I don’t have to work unless I want to.

4. Has been a Christian since he was 15, leads the family in bible study and volunteers every Saturday at a boys home.

5. All the girls want him but he only has eyes for me. He never even notices the others.

Here’s a realer picture.

1. He could stand to hit the gym but if you learn how to cook something other than cereal one day you might actually be an asset to the weight loss plan.
2. Credit score isn’t excellent but it’s not poor either. It might be good or even fair after a recent job loss. Point is there is a legitimate reason and he’s working on it.  And if you decide you could live without all the extra shoes and vacations and PERFECTION– real love, real unity and real relationship-might have a chance to bring you true fulfillment.
3. He believes in God, attends church regularly but he hasn’t quite mastered his pride or anger in certain situations. He’s a work in progress.
4. He notices other women but he is faithful to you and would prefer to have a safe, open dialogue with you about it minus the drama.
5. He has a daughter from a previous relationship.

Now–if he’s

1. Wreckless
2. Discounts the Truth
3. Knows nothing of the Truth
4. Is utterly unaware of his issues
5. Wants intimacy without a true commitment
6. Cheap for cheap’s sake
7. Lies
8. Is Dishonoring or dishonorable without accountability then…bounce.

This isn’t an exhaustive list but you get the picture.

FLIPSIDE: THE MAN’S LIST

Now here’s the flip side, gentlemen. The side nobody ever talks about: The Man’s List…Ready?

1. Dime. This means she looks like Beyonce (or at least gives her a run for her money)
2. Cooks like my mama-or better—its healthy and good!
3. Loves God (because a good heart is important) but is willing to give me freaky sex whenever I want it.
4. Goes to church but doesn’t expect me to.
5. Doesn’t complain, fuss or point out any of my flaws (like when you don’t call to tell her you’re going to be late— things like my irresponsibility don’t bother her)
6. She makes her own money and can help me build.

….and all was well with the world, right?  Now here’s a more realistic picture.

1. Her hourglass figure from college has become just a little bit…magnified and the face is nothing overwhelming but respectable (depending on who you ask.)
2. She’s sweet as peach pie. She makes you laugh and you feel safe sharing your dreams with her.
3. She isn’t materialistic but she does have expectations-that you treat her to dinner every once and a while—actually plan something romantic and original ALL BY YOURSELF. That you be accountable and answer for your excuses.
4. She makes her own money but doesn’t budget it well. Too much eating out and too much weave.
5. She already has a little boy that she needs help raising even though you were lucky enough to be a black man and not have any kids going into marriage.

THE PURPLE SIDE

Let’s be honest: Black men are as much to blame for black women’s singleness as black women may be themselves but the truth is the Enemy of Family (no matter your race) has been around since the garden.  He’s got a lot more dominion to lose if we are unified. Imagine where we would be if we focused on more than backsides, penis sizes, bank accounts and image. Imagine if we knew our purpose. The 10 commandments are summed up in two: That we would love the Lord God with all of our heart and that we would love our brother as ourselves. I believe obeying these commands is the answer to this problem. If we loved and obeyed God in ALL things, for starters we would all be closer to marriage material. Fewer men would be in jail or otherwise disposed. Women would raise their standard of purity and require honor from the men who pursue them. Maybe if we chased God as hard as we chase this paper we would develop quicker and understand what it means to be one with God making it easier to be one with a person created in His image. And if we loved our brothers and sisters as we love ourselves we would have mercy for one anothers’ shortcomings, we would be focused on God’s purpose for US instead of our agenda for ourselves, we wouldn’t take advantage of one another sexually, monetarily, or emotionally.  Perhaps more of our mothers and fathers would have modeled this behavior making marriage more appealing. We would walk as Kings and Queens offering and defending honor. That’s what’s missing.

Stay tuned for the follow up….